My brain isn't always the most fun place for me to be. I've been getting down on myself a lot recently for feeling like I'm not doing enough, while also realizing I've been wearing myself too thin. I'm starting to realize I'm trying way too hard to be everything at once:
A full-time musician with a full-time job to pay the bills, working a part-time gig for some extra cash, on top of managing a business & a ton of independent contracting work that I can barely keep up with - All while juggling rehearsals, gigs, writing sessions, meetings, deadlines, social events, relationships, a 9-5 schedule (followed by a 5-9 schedule), and what seems to be coming in last of all - My mental & physical health.
I'm currently laying in bed nursing what is day 6 of a nasty cold, trying to figure out why I always seem to refuse to take a step back & slow down until I'm physically required to do so.
If I'm being honest, most of this stems from a place of fear. Fear of being bored; fear of feeling lonely; fear of missing opportunity; fear of not being "enough" in the eyes of others. I've been dealing with it for so long, you'd think I'd have found a way around it by now - But the thing is, these feelings are my fuel.
I understand that it's not the healthiest way to find motivation. It's also not the only reason I do what I do; of course, there's a large part of me that is fueled purely by passion, which is likely why some of my fears are as intense as they are. I love all of what I'm doing; I'm just doing too much of it all at once.
It is my belief that passion and fear continuously play amongst one another in order to keep us going. It's our job to understand & monitor the two to make sure we're using them correctly, and ultimately to our advantage - Which is where my current fault lies.
I've become scared of slowing down because I've convinced myself it's a sign of weakness. I, for some reason, have allowed myself to believe that giving yourself free time automatically creates a breeding ground for boredom, loneliness, and missed opportunity - All of which contribute to the feeling of “not enough.” But when I do too much, like I've been doing, not only do I wear myself down, but that's when I truly begin to create that environment; because when you're constantly running yourself ragged trying to do everything at once, you leave no room to accomplish the things that will truly make you feel fulfilled and happy, let alone give yourself the time to acknowledge them.
Writing this post probably won't stop me from falling back into this cycle. I've been running on the same hampster wheel of an insane work/life/play balance since before I can remember - But I do hope that little reflections like these will encourage me to at least take some time to monitor the balance between fear and motivation as I continue to make decisions about how I choose to spend my time and energy. I will always and forever be a workaholic (both self-proclaimed and titled by others), but at the very least I can try to be self-actualized within the work I do.
So, here's to kicking this cold in the butt & using this time to acknowledge the fact that these feelings of “not enough” are far from valid - But in order to truly shake them, I need to do more of what caters to my passions rather than my fears.
I encourage you to do the same.